It is a truth now universally acknowledged that a young man in possession of the misfortune of having a 50-hour work week must be in want of staring at his wife on Sundays. A leaked video group chat recently showed a CEO addressing his lesser humans, saying that they should work every day, even Sundays. Gen Zs and millennials, being the “snowflakes” they are, have obviously misunderstood his comment. The humble CEO only regretted that he couldn’t exploit his employees on weekends and that hampered their nation-building dreams.
Everyone should want to have 90-hour work weeks (roughly 12.5 hours per day, if working seven days a week) for the nation. It’s absolutely not as if these CEOs are looking to increase their own profits. CEOs are so massively underpaid anyway. That’s another universally acknowledged truth. There isn’t an ounce of selfish interest here.
So, here are seven ways to utilise your Sundays to be your best productive self. Before we begin, remember, the kids will try to misguide you into believing that humans deserve rest and relaxation. They will cite four-day workweeks in Japan or the ‘right to disconnect’ in France, where employers legally cannot trouble employees after work hours. But, don’t get swayed. The goal is to be productive every second of your life, till the day you die. You’re letting down humanity every moment you spend on rest, relaxation, family, hobbies, or (gasp) staring at your husband/wife.
1. Productive Visual Activities
Our film and TV industry works ceaselessly. No Sundays or Diwali or New Year for them. Writers write day and night, crews shoot for months, singers, actors, stunt artists, editors, and set staff, all slave it out for months. To support their hard work, you must, as a responsible citizen, binge-watch something on Sundays. Important: involve your husband/wife as well, so they are not doing any unproductive staring at you. Do it for the country.
2. Productive Social Work
Man is a social animal. Sorry, that was too gendered. Humans are social animals. So, it is our responsibility as productive humans to give back to our fellow humans. Take your friends to a local watering hole, indulge in local drinks and food, ensure local businesses thrive, and play your role in improving our economy. After a fun evening of rest, relaxation and inebriation, most people will forget about all their problems at work and return to work on Monday for a 14-hour shift voluntarily. Take your husband/wife along as well but ensure they’re not staring at you.
3. Productive Physical Activity
This one is obvious; unless you are in the pink of your health, how will you live up to the 14-hour shift expectations? It is important to move, get those steps in, before Monday. And what faster way to get those steps in than walking around the malls or flea markets in your area? Additionally, what better way to spend a Sunday productively than shopping at local markets and helping the economy flourish?
Ensure that your partner is with you so they can stare at the shopkeepers and their wares instead of lovingly staring at you (ew).
4. Productive Upskilling
It’s the age of hustle. We shouldn’t be wasting any waking moment being unproductive. What better way to be productive than to upskill and get a Sunday job on top of your regular job?
Watch a medical drama to start a hospital side business or a cooking show to become a hotelier!
Whatever you do as your side hustle, make sure both you and your spouse are sitting on a cold, marble floor without any back support because comfort is anathema to success. And don’t forget to gloat on LinkedIn about it.
5. Productive Self-Education
You are never too old to educate yourself. Perhaps we can go a bit old school for this one and utilise some ancient instruments, called books. To learn about ancient cultures and lost civilisations, I suggest A Song Of Ice And Fire and Lord Of The Rings. For Physics and science, Dark Matter, The Martian, Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy and anything by Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clarke or Michael Crichton. For world politics, try Ian Fleming or Graham Greene. The world is your oyster if only you stop being so unproductive by spending 24 hours staring at your wife. Seriously, why do you even want to look at her? Spouses are not meant to spend time together. That’s the enemy of nation-building.
6. Get Influenced By CEOs
The CEO clan is extremely focused on creativity and productivity. The reason why a plebian like myself or you is not sitting in a bathtub full of cash is because we are unmoved, unmotivated, and lazy. We spend our free time doing needless things like laundry, cleaning the house, washing the dishes. Learn from the CEOs. Like that one Indian-origin man who understands that his time—valued at $5,000 an hour, by himself—is too precious to do dishes.
Now, now. There will be some kids from these snowflake generations who may point out that the wealthy can obviously afford help of all kinds. They will also tell you that not everyone gets 24 hours a day to themselves. A CEO, for example, can afford to work 90 hours a week because he doesn’t have to suffer household chores. He effectively gets more work hours than the average Jane and Joe. In any case, an average Joe is also getting more time to himself than an average Jane. Let’s not get into that though. Ignore the ‘woke’ mobs. Instead of staring at your spouse, make sure they are doing unpaid labour for 32 hours a day, handling the house, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, feeding and raising the children—all of it without a break or appreciation.
7. Productive
We spoke about physical health, improving the economy, and nation-building. But let’s be honest, only a sound and healthy mind can shoulder these humongous responsibilities. The 90-hour workweek will tire out those little grey cells in little people. Here’s how to ‘Think Big’.
Stop caring. Empathy and compassion are draining for you mentally. Hunger and poverty makes you sad? Climate change killing your hopes for the future? A family member is sick? A coworker died (learn from the Amazon warehouse in Colorado that simply ignored the dead body on the floor)? Who cares. Focus on that spreadsheet, PPT, charts and graphics on your screen that will make your boss millions of buckaroos instead.
Pay no attention to those ‘relaxing weekend ideas’ to try out with your partner. This is not some utopian civilisation built on humans and culture. Here, we remove the human from humanity to ensure only money matters in the end.
(The author is Assistant Producer, NDTV)
Disclaimer: These are the personal opinions of the author
